Am I the only one?

I've seen a lot of talk recently about performance-enhancing drugs taken by generally healthy people.

And it absolutely infuriates me.

I've felt the same in the past about people taking painkillers for pleasure; it's no different with the various concentration-type drugs (ritalin, etc.) that are growing more popular with the teen and 20s set by the day.

Again, "appropriation" doesn't feel the right word. But I can't think of quite any other. When I try to dig down to the root of my feelings on this, it comes down to: I have to take this shit every day just to be able to get by, to be able to do half the shit you do and still be in a fuckload of pain. And you're seriously going to sit there and take it to get high? Or, worse, to make you perform better than you already do?

You stupid fucks, can't you just fucking appreciate what you have?

I don't know if that's entirely rational. I know there is some ableist bullshit in there (i.e. how the abled default is centered as the good and perfect with the differently-abled as deficient) but at the same time, I really, honestly think there is something problematic about it. Not necessarily inherent in the act of using these substances itself, maybe just in the lack of recognition that these people are already incredibly advantaged and privileged and they just refuse to see that.

I don't know. Does this make sense to anybody else? Do you feel the same way or am I being ridiculous? What do you think?

Proposed Moratorium, The Third

GODDAMMIT, PEOPLE.

"Psycho" is not a stand-in for "bad person."

It is used by people who want to Other a person who is behaving in an unfortunate way, predictable or not.

"Crazy" and "insane" are similar words, but the connotations of those are so generic by now as to be less harmful.

But psychotic, schizophrenic, and other actual mental illnesses should not be appropriated by right-thinking people to mean, simply, Shoot! Someone Is Being Mean To Me Again.

I mean. Just. Fuck.

Inspired by the recent prevalance of people referring to Hillary as "the psycho ex-girlfriend." Of course, this particular stereotype combines ableism with sexism to reach grand new levels of insultingness. To these people, I can only say: FUCK OFF.

Noted.

Conventional wisdom, May 2007: The prominence of Iowa and New Hampshire in the national presidential primaries is inequitable and unproductive. It weights the voting opinions of a very unrepresentative class of Americans over every other. We should allow each state in the union its fair say in the primary.

Conventional wisdom, May 2008: Clinton needs to step aside. The race is already won, and having her remain will only cause more trouble. In the past the nomination has been wrapped up much earlier than this, so it's OK to insist upon it.* We shouldn't have to wait for each state to have its say -- that's too long!

Principles. Eh. Too inconvenient.

*I would do that nifty thing where you link to a bunch of posts in the words of the sentence, but honestly, I don't have the time/energy to search out everything I've read over the past several weeks on the matter. Suffice to say the sentence isn't long enough to fit them all.

Ring that old bell

"Worth repeating":

That the Clinton people need to get used to the fact that Obama is the nominee. All the hyperbolic "he can never win the general" and the "it's not fair" stuff needs to stop right now unless you want a 100-years-in-Iraq, pro-life, pro-Roberts/Alito Supreme Court, 22% lifetime LCV rating, economic right-winger as President. To spend any time or energy at all nursing your resentments is the most fundamentally selfish thing you can do right now. I hate losing elections, I know how badly you feel, and how hard it is, but there is too much at stake to be selfish right now.

Now now, ladies, you need to stop worrying about your silly female things. We have a lot to get accomplished and we'll never get there if you sanctimonious women's studies set keep making your fuss about all this lady stuff. We do need to keep Roe in place, now, don't we, dears? It would be awfully selfish of you to cost us this win.

Hmmm. Haught dismissal of expressed concerns, threat held over head about women's basic human rights, accusal of "selfishness" (one of the most invisibly gendered words), "there's too much at stake", patronizing "I know how you feel", promise-one-never-intends-to-keep to get back to their issues when this election is over. (Oh, wait, they didn't even bother with that one.)

This all sounds awfully fucking familiar. Seems we've been hearing this for pretty much every fucking election since the fucking invention of elections. Or at least since the nineteenth amendment.

***

Hm. I suppose I should add here that when I voted, I did not vote for Clinton, that I don't share concerns about Obama's viability in the general (and in fact tend to be a bit skeptical about such arguments), that I think Clinton has done some pretty damn reprehensible things over the course of both her political career and her run for president -- etc. But I don't think that's what we're really talking about here, is it?

Things that bother me, Part (n)

maybe I'm the one
maybe I'm the one
who is the schizophrenic psycho

I feel my heart rise through my throat every time the beats for this song start playing on the radio.

Schizophrenia and psychosis are two mental conditions that apply to multiple members of my immediate family. Severe depression and anxiety are also present.

The people who write (and sing to) these sorts of songs don't know what those words mean. To them, they're simply a stand in for "Angry Mean Bad Crazy Person."

Those people can fuck right off.

Ashley Dupre v. Joe Francis

It didn't take long for the cries of, why is she suing NOW?

Of What a selfish spoiled brat, only after the money! Of She just wants to ruin his career! Of She just needs the attention!

No, these things weren't said where I'm going to link, but the implications are there in the question (no matter the asker), and it's not hard to find actual people saying these things outright.

Thomas gives this idiocy the smackdown:

Why is she suing now? Maybe because someone is suddenly using the footage that she thought was long forgotten? Maybe because she feels cheated that Joe Francis gets to make a killing off of something she did when she was just 17, and that she got nothing for except a tee shirt and a few drinks? Maybe because, now, publicly identified as a sex worker and afraid she’ll never be famous for anything but being sexual for money, she thinks the best move is to try to get as much money out of it as she can? Maybe she doesn’t care if the whole world sees her naked at 17, but she thinks Joe Francis is a tool.

I don’t know the woman, but I can see a lot of reasons.

I think it's rather indicative that no matter what sick shit a man pulls, we have to seek out some woman, somewhere, to blame for it.

God, I am sick of

this primary.

Well, not so much the primary.

I am sick of calls for Clinton to drop out of the race.

I am sick of "tearing apart the party."

I am sick of "cares only about herself/her ambitions."

I am sick of the insecure assertions that Obama already has the nomination tied up, and Clinton has no chance to win, when both candidates are within reasonable reach of the nomination.

I am sick of assertions that the superdelegates have a responsibility to vote based on the popular vote/non-super delegate count (whichever is more favorable to their candidate, of course).

I am sick of how obvious the motivations behind that assertion are. If the superdelegates are obligated to replicate the will of the people, they have no purpose whatsoever. If people truly believe it is undemocratic that the superdels vote any other way, they should be arguing that there should be no superdelegates, not piddling around how they should justify their votes.

I am sick of people complaining about Clinton's call for Michigan and Florida to be counted, saying that she does so only because it is in her self-interest, while then turning around and making the two above arguments, as though they are being Objective and Rational and Above It All.

I am sick of the fucking misogyny that has reared its head in this primary, and how even so-called progressives can't seem to criticize Clinton without framing their argument in sexist slurs and stereotypes.

I am sick of the ugly racism that has made itself known across the country. The obvious white antipathy to being reminded that race exists, no less racism, even if it stays thousands of miles from ever implicating them personally. The Brown Menace, secret Muslim-ism, the deep-seated fear of the Angry Black Man. I am sick and tired of the unconscious but vehement effort put into preserving the system of white supremacy.

I am sick of the reflexive move to knock back down any woman in any position of power. Put her in her place. Remind her. Make it known that she can play the game, but she can never win.

I am sick of people who say that if their candidate doesn't win the nomination, they will defect and vote instead for McCain. What kind of fucking moron are you? Is it going to take a few knocks of the skull against a cement brick for you to regain consciousness and realize that yes, there are differences between Clinton and Obama, significant ones even, but that McCain is going to be outright dangerous for the country compared to either of the two? I understand those who choose not to vote for the Democratic candidate if said candidate does not meet their standards; I do not understand those who would then vote for a candidate who spits upon their standards.

I am sick of all of this. Shame on all of you. Fuck this. I'm tired of it. I will vote for either Democratic candidate in November, but I'm damn well not returning to read, watch or listen to some of you who resort to such tactics as you yourself would condemn when used by Rush Limbaugh or Karl Rove. Yes, I just compared you to those two fuckwits. You may not perform such grand evil, but you are feeding into their narratives. And you should damn well feel ashamed about it.

I have never voted in a primary contest before. I've only been old enough to vote in one presidential election. I have been excited for over a year now about my opportunity to vote for a candidate I was actually exicted about in an election that will actually matter.

And I got my twenty minutes of cheery happy yay-America-ness. And then I came back to the real world. And my enthusiasm for this party is just about shattered.

Way to gear up the youth of America, folks.

this is new to me. this idea that i should love my body. not hate it.

it's funny, because i was about to say "this isn't a post about body image." but it is, isn't it?

let's cut to the point. i'm not talking about beauty standards.

i'm talking about my body. this physical thing.

i need to stop hating that physical thing.

it works differently. it doesn't work like your body.

but that doesn't make it bad.

this is hard to grasp. i don't like this idea.

but maybe it's better that i respect my body, and how it functions, than malign it, and Other it, and see myself as working against it.

maybe i need to see my body as that physical thing that is trying to help me be everything i want to be.

maybe i need to understand that i just have to interact differently with my body to accomplish that.

and that is not bad. that doesn't make me Less Than. that doesn't even make me different -- or it shouldn't, anyway.

maybe the problem is that i have been so indoctrinated into this culture that i can't even see myself as just being -- it's always how different i am from the "normal" "healthy" body.

you know what, dammit, my body is "healthy." my body is damn well fucking "normal" for me. when i understand how to work with it? i live a pretty damn nice life.

but the culture i live in doesn't allow for that view. the culture i live in says that my body is not only different, but different in a bad way, because it doesn't let me live my life like a normal person does.

fuck that.

i have a lot to work on, here.

revelation: i wouldn't have such a hard fucking time learning how to work with my body if my culture hadn't taught me to expect to be The Norm. if my culture hadn't taught me that if you look like you're fully-abled, then you must be. if my culture hadn't taught me that if it doesn't show up in the bloodwork or the ultrasound then it doesn't exist. if my culture hadn't taught me that my pain is simply pathology. if my culture hadn't taught me about welfare queens and "milking the system." if my culture hadn't taught me that disability is both scary and pathetic.

in the meantime, i need to go take my weekly shower, so my gynecologist isn't put off by my oh so gross body when i get my Lupron shot tomorrow.

...maybe i just need to understand that this is how my body works and damn it all, there shouldn't be anything wrong with that -- the fact that there is anything "wrong" is a sign of a fucked up culture -- not of a fucked up body.

Submitted without comment

President George W. Bush, in response to a question of how to protect Christians in Iraq:

Well, one thing we can do is to keep our troops there long enough to have a civil society emerge, and go after them, and go after these killers, and bring them to justice so they quit killing people, including our own troops, because this is a war.

Sure! Sign me up!

What does it say about my experiences with the healthcare industry that when I see this:

Why do we want to know more about you?

In order to personalize the site to you, we need to know certain things about you. For instance:

• We need to know your age and gender to remind you of the check-ups you need.
• We've got a great pregnancy program so if you're pregnant, tell us and we'll help guide you through a healthy pregnancy.
• Your email and zip code helps validate that you signed up for the site and no one at our organization did it for you.
• And so on..

I read this:

Why do we want to know more about you?

In order to increase our profit margins, we need to know certain things about you. For instance:

• We need to know your age and gender so that we can "adjust" your premium and care accordingly.
• We've got a great pregnancy program so if you're pregnant, tell us so that your employer has the option to discriminate against you based on it.
• Your email and zip code helps us earn money by selling it off to spammers, both "legitimate" and il-.
• And so on..

Cynical and unfair? Yes. But when you've lived the life I've lived, in the body I've lived, with the experiences I've lived, you'll understand why I'm not so eager to provide my employers' insurance "discount" company* with any of this information.

*I'm required to have this insurance in order to be listed on my husband's insurance, and I have to have a denial from my employers' insurance before his employers' insurance will consider any claim at all. Which is kind of easy, considering the former doesn't cover anything anyway. Throw soon-to-expire Medicare and on-going tertiary Medical Assistance for Workers with Disabilities into the mix, and I've got a headache-inducing full-time job on my hands juggling all of the above.

Boot straps

I cannot insist strongly enough that you read this post from Resist Racism: Playing at Poverty

via tigtog

Melissa said it best: the best possible world for a straight, white, able-bodied, wealthy male is not the best possible world for everyone. Such traditionally privileged specimens might like to imagine they exist on a level playing field, but a broader look reveals that their lane is the only one constructed in such a manner.

The next person to invoke the fabled boot straps are going to feel the sting of my boot straps on their ass.

Hey, that feels pretty damn familiar.

What is it? Oh, it's just the foot of Schwarzenegger & co. on our backs.

Dammit, this will never cease to make me angry. For the most part, the disabled already live in poverty, and they have no way of changing that. You usually can't magically become un-disabled. And disability is, by definition, the inability to just "work harder" to make ends meet. It's the inability to work enough to live.

And here we go cutting their benefits left and right (including, apparently, again, COLA for the blind and disabled). With an inflation rate of 4.3%. So that we can ease the burden on those poor yacht consumers.

Deep breaths.

Life isn't fair

As though you weren't given the toy you hoped for in your Happy Meal.

As though you caught all the red lights home.

As though you got a few bad letters after your turn at Scrabble.

Isn't that exactly it, too? You were dealt a bad hand, after all. It's just a game.

It's easy for it to be just a game when you never so much as feel the fallout from your own bad decisions -- after all, you've already been sheltered from feeling the effect of any act God could throw at you.

Sometimes, life isn't fair -- for the rest of us.

This drives me batty

Kevin remarks: "Does anyone seriously think that any Republican candidate can kick such major ass among independents in November that he can afford a conservative base that's not charged up and working feverishly to turn out every last vote? I don't." ... Does anyone seriously think that any Democratic candidate is more likely than Clinton to ensure a conservative base that's charged up and working feverishly to turn out every last vote? I don't.

Remind me, again, why the conservative base experiences a collective break with reality when it comes to Clinton?

Could it have anything to do with the fact that she is a woman in a position of power who does not humbly grovel at the feet of the patriarchy? Who has a drop of independence to her? Who doesn't bake cookies and read to children, but attempts to use her position to get something done? Who speaks her mind -- or speaks at all, since she refuses to be the mouthpiece of the patriarchy? Who knuckles down, who hits back when attacked, who unabashedly uses every resource available when trying to accomplish something? Who has "ambition" (what single public figure could ever not)?

I thought we condemned the bigots for reacting with horror and spittle when confronted with such a woman. I thought we vowed to fight them when they act that way. Not to shrug our shoulders, and say, "Oh well. The bigots will say mean, nasty things, and they will surely ensure our defeat, if we are to nominate her." Therefore, if you value your well being, you .... won't.

Does this argument have that familiar stench to anyone else?

Consequences

Has anyone perhaps thought that this, rather than being an example of something wrong with laws intending to protected the (severely) disadvantaged, is an example of something wrong with our societal attitude toward disability?

Every day I encounter some small new stone in the foundation for a social model of disability.

Perhaps if we would see people and think, not:

"burden,"

but:

"potential,"

we would reach a place of balance in this world.

i can't fight.

i can't. i just can't. i don't have the strength. i don't. i don't.

God save me. i can't handle this. the willful ignorance, the disdainful attitudes, the sheer joy taken in hatred. the sheer joy taken in displaying visceral hatred toward another human being, not to anyone's betterment, but simply so one can feel more righteous than the other.

are you happy? are you really, truly happy with yourself? is your heart so pure? is your soul so perfect? why do you feel the need to grind us under your heel? would you truly need to if you were so holy as you claim to be?

enjoy your health. enjoy your ability. enjoy your fullness of life. and enjoy the fact that you are using your time to diminish the lives of those who are not so fortunate. i hope that when your soul departs this earth, you can say to your self, your god, that you are happy with the life you lived. at least then someone will be.

An older topic, but an important one

I have to be honest here. I find it both funny and aggravating when folks like Kevin Drum and Matt Yglesias complain about their health care woes. They are reminding the world that the U.S. could stand a lot of improvement and the right wing's "hip replacement! wait times, O NOES!" scare tactics are ridiculous, but it boggles the mind how out of touch even the liberal dudes are when it comes to the impossibility of navigating this health care system. They are incredibly privileged that their only worry is waiting a few weeks for their annual physical. They don't go without care that is necessary to their health, or face significant obstacles to obtaining it. And yet it is a surprise to them that their health care is not simply dropped in their laps with no effort on their parts.

Health is a struggle for me. A daily battle. A battle with myself, against my own body, and against the world that makes it all the more difficult for me to win that fight against my own medical demons. I don't get the privilege of seeing a doctor once a year -- I have had years where I did so, but it was because I was uninsured and only had the means to save up for one doctor's visit that year, and I suffered for it the other 364 days and change, let me tell you.

Anyway, all this is to say that I'm going to make a point of including my own struggles on this blog. Not that many people will read it, but maybe some people will, and will get the idea that for the sick, health care is not an ideal, it's not academic, it's not a principle, it's not politics, it's a full time job. It's something we have to face every day if we want to face the day at all.

So with all that, here's my latest tale, stolen from my journal, about my fight with my health care provider to provide me my health care.

Let me note before this, that I have been routinely denied prescriptions since moving here PA and becoming eligible for insurance (finally); this doctor's office has been impossible to deal with, and my insurance just as much so. I've been doctor hopping my entire life, trying to find someone who is knowledgeable and respectful. I've had two doctors in my lifetime who have given that to me -- maybe three, now that I think about it (two of them gynecologists). Trust me, I have seen multitudinous more doctors than that throughout my life. It is tiring. It is aggravating. It is exhausting and painful. It really is the second shift for the sick, fighting the health care system just to get barely adequate care. I just feel like the more people who realize this, maybe the more people who will help fight to make it better.

***

Last Wednesday was the day I trekked out to McMurray for what was to be (I hope, anyway) my last ever visit to this fuckwit doctor's office. The drive itself was aggravating -- McMurray Road, a two-lane road that was quite a pleasant drive all told, is being completely repaved (Peters Township has way too much disposable income), and the workers decided to handle the traffic in the most idiotic way possible (I've seen it handled well, and this was not one of those times): let traffic back up for over a mile one way while letting one side through, then switch off. I was stuck in place, unmoving, for over 15 minutes, less than a mile away from the doctor's office at that point.

I actually called in at that point to let the front desk know I'd be a little late, and the woman was actually nice to me. It's the first time I've ever had someone at that office speak to me pleasantly, ever. Go figure.

Anyway, I got called back, sat down, and lectured on painkiller use for ten minutes by the physician's assistant.

I am, apparently, supposed to be seen before every refill. Every refill. That's every months, folks, conceivably for the rest of my life. I'm only twenty one years old. That's a lot of doctor's visits.

I made (as you'd expect) disapproving noises as she continued to talk right over me.

"We strongly frown on long term narcotic use. They're usually meant for short term..."

"I know that."

"And we don't use it for fibromyalgia. We recommend anti-inflammatories --"

"Anti-inflammatories DO NOT WORK on fibromyalgia. It is a neurological condition, a disorder of the central nervous system that amplifies pain. If you have osteoporosis and fibromyalgia, then anti-inflammatories will work because osteoporosis causes inflammation, but the only thing fibromyalgia will do is amplify that pain."

"..." [sort of stunned, doesn't know what to say]

"..."

"... [sigh] Yeah, so..."

... and she continued lecturing right over me, not listening to a word I had to say.

I was informed multiple times, just in case I wasn't already aware, that a lot of people abuse painkillers and they have to be careful. I would say "I know that" and before I could say anything else she'd keep on lecturing me in that condescending tone of voice.

I told her that two months ago, I was told I would only need to be seen every six months to continue getting my refills. (Indeed, it had been six months since I'd seen the doctor for that purpose at the time.) She said "I don't know who told you that," and that their policy was every refill.

My suspicion is that they flagged me as a potential abuser, and she was just bullshitting me. Obviously that is not their policy or else I would not have been getting my refills relatively unimpeded every month up until now. Perhaps their policy changed, but wouldn't she have said as much instead of just insisting that it is, and always has been, their policy?

So, yes. I am never going back there again. I had already decided as much when this whole fiasco began, and switched PCPs with my insurance the day I found out about all this. I have an appointment two weeks from now.

But when she pulled out the "anti-inflammatories" thing, that just sealed the deal right there. It has been at least ten years since the concept of fibromyalgia as an autoimmune, rheumatic, inflammatory disease fell out of credibility (though lamentably not popularity). TEN years. Central sensitization has been the leading theory for quite some time now. I've been up on this research since early high school. Granted, I know doctors are very busy people and they can't keep up with every single development in the field of medicine, but this is still unforgivable in my mind. I should not know more than my own doctor about my condition -- what's the point in seeing her, then? It would be understandable, perhaps, if it were year-old research. But research that has been widely circulated and accepted for over ten years?

Fuck that.

Har fucking har.

What's this I see?

A mockery of Cymbalta's "Depression Hurts" campaign?

Guess what, fuckers, it does.

It might be funny if, you know, it was an actual satire site. But no, Ford just wants to sell their new '08 Escape.

Fuck that.