Also stolen from the journal.
I know I keep posting on the same boring subjects, but this is really a major adjustment period in my life, and I can't figure things out if I don't write them down.
I have in mind now that I should not take that half a painkiller when I'm feeling pretty achey, but not in terrible crushing pain, and wanting to get up and do something.
Problems.
- If I get up and do that something without the painkiller, I stand chance of coming under that terrible crushing pain afterward (or even during).
- Whereas if I do take that painkiller, I will probably be able to get up and do more than I was able to do before, and with less pain.
- But on the painkillers, I feel more inhibited. Not physically or mentally in particular, sort of in a different dimension. I have two modes on painkillers: 1) Incredibly motivated, get up and do a ton of stuff, uncomfortable sitting doing nothing. Or 2) Inhibited, unmotivated, not wanting to move, even though I'm not feeling so crappy I couldn't do anything.
- Why is this? Maybe the same pain and inability is raging on underneath the chemical alterations, and that's why I can't get up and do anything, even though I don't feel like I can't get up and do anything. I certainly feel this even without the painkillers, that's sort of just how my body works: sometimes, I just slow down and find I can't push myself to do XYZ (walk faster, for instance) even though I'm not feeling the pain (yet).
- So maybe if I am in that sort of state, a state of inability, and I take the painkillers, I don't change my ability, I just change my experience of the pain, if that makes sense.
I can't quite figure this out, whether (in)ability and (lack of) pain are two separate things, or the same thing expressed different ways, and if they are separate, how do they play into my everyday life? What makes me do, what makes me feel what? I feel like they are separate factors but I can't identify how they work, how they affect me, what the causes are of my state at any given moment in time.
Twenty one years of this condition and I still have no idea WTF is going on in my body.
It doesn't help, either, to follow the line of logic above and decide, OK, so don't take the painkiller for ability reasons, take it for reasons of pain. But that doesn't help me. I still sit here, still unable, and still in pain. Sometimes I can push through the pain when I have a higher level of ability (OK, now I think I am starting to "get it"...) But sometimes not. Sometimes even when I am not in that much pain, I can sense I have a lower level of ability, and so I sit.
But how do I apply this understanding? When do I reach for the pain relief? When do I force myself to get up and do? (Make no mistake, even with a higher level of ability, I have to force myself to "get up and do." Psychological inhibitions, fear of the pain I'll bring on myself by possibly overworking myself, especially because I don't have a strong, logical, reason-based handle on when I would be overworking myself.)
How do I explain this to someone who is wanting to understand why I decline their invitation this time (whether to coffee or to do some work, whether that is an explicit invitation or an unstated, understated, society-level expectation), even though I seem relatively pain free?
Does anyone identify with this? Can anyone help me pick this apart, piece it back together and understand it further?
