I've always had trouble translating my ideas into words with any consistent level of accuracy. It's not often that writing and speaking come easily to me, and I feel like I am expressing myself effectively. Most of the time, I am fumbling around, trying to shape a vague image of what's going on in my head, by trial and error. And I often end up frustrated because it's obvious that the idea I'm apparently communicating with my words is not the idea I was trying to communicate when I put those words together.
All of which is a clunky introduction to the fact that I feel like I was misunderstood here:
So I opened the comments and immediately found that I was disagreeing vehemently with the first comment:Deference is a privileged person’s best friend.
I would have no patience with someone flopping around acting all guilty and deferential to me. It’s happened before, and I hate it. I want respect, and deference is not respect.
That comment was mine.
Amanda goes on to make an argument that is very much what I was trying to get across.
By "deference" I meant:
- Know that her opinions come from experiences you have not had, and can never fully understand.
- Do not use this as a reason to dismiss her opinions; use this as a way to attempt to understand them.
- Give more consideration than you normally would when you are in a situation where you are the privileged one. No, this isn't "special treatment." It's attempting to compensate for the fact that, like it or not, you have been socialized to unconsciously devalue the opinions of those who are not like you. So take a step back, and think really hard about it. We're talking about your girlfriend, anyway; you should be affording her special consideration in the first place, because you respect her enough to want to be her partner -- right?
- You can still disagree. Privilege doesn't mean that your opinions and experiences must be erased, or that they cease to be valid.
- However: step carefully. If you think over things carefully, and decide that you know what, you just can't agree with what she's saying: make sure you are very careful in how you express that. Because, again, in our society, men are taught not to treat women as equals, but to dismiss them as hormonal, emotional, overreacting, irrational, etc. Even if you aren't thinking those words, you may be communicating them to her when you huff, roll your eyes, fold your arms, smirk, etc. (And she has been taught to be very sensitive to those words or the implication of them, so trust me, she will catch the slightest hint of them, whether you intend to give that hint or not.) Your inflection and body language, and even words outright, may be telling her that, basically, you don't give a shit. And a lot of the time, men actually don't give a shit. So she may not be wrong when she gets that vibe from you. And depending on any number of factors, she may call you on it -- or she may bury it inside, because she knows that if she reacts to it, you're going to shoot her down, because most people honestly don't want to admit that they don't care about their partner's feelings and opinions -- even when they really don't.
- SO: think hard before you open your mouth. And watch your body language when you are in an argument. You may be angry, but you need to make an effort to show that even though you two are not happy with each other right this minute, you still care about her.
- DON'T just say "OK" to anything she says, either because you are trying to compensate for privilege or because you're trying to get her to shut up (trust me, she knows it -- you'd be better off being honest on that matter, so she can call you on your disrespectful bullshit). That's not respect. Quite the opposite. That's failing to consider her argument at all -- just bypassing it altogether. And that shit is just madmaking, and I wouldn't blame her if she dumped your ass if you practiced it regularly.
- Remember that you are not in a contest. You are in a discussion. You are trying to work WITH your partner, not AGAINST her. When it's a straight-out fight, you are trying to understand each other's sides, and come to an agreeable conclusion for the both of you -- which won't happen if you're just trying to "win." When it's a topical conversation, you're sharpening your thinking and communication skills, working on understanding each other's viewpoints, learning from one another, etc. -- again, it's not a contest you're trying to "win." It's a conversation. Treat it that way.
All this is, as far as I can tell, basically the argument Amanda was making. I just didn't communicate that correctly -- I chose my word(s) poorly.
For the women:
*The side note to women, I suppose, is that it’s important to fight on the small things, even if the effort doesn’t initially seem worth it.
This is important to any relationship. Don't just let things go. Bring them up. Try to have a sense of perspective, certainly, but don't follow the patriarchal imperative to ignore any wrong your man does, because you're just being nitpicky/naggy/whatever. When you let something go unremarked-upon, you are building a mountain of anger, frustration and resentment, one sock on the floor at a time. And that is not healthy -- not for you (who suffers the stress), not for him (who isn't challenged to be a better partner, but becomes lazy and sloppy about the relationship), and not or your relationship as a whole (which will become strained at time due to unresolved conflicts he doesn't even know about).
That does not mean, however, that the weight is on the women's shoulders. Men: do your best to pay attention to this shit. If she seems put-off, ask her what's wrong, in a concerned and respectful tone of voice. She may laugh because nothing's wrong at all. She may say "nothing" in a flat or even annoyed tone of voice, in which case there is almost certainly something wrong -- whether it's something you did, or just that she's worried about a friend, or whatever -- and you need to tease that out. (Make it clear that it's ok if she doesn't want to talk, but make yourself open and approachable so that she can if she wants to.) And she may just say it up front, in which case, again, you need to step back, take a minute to think carefully about what she's saying, and then respond -- don't immediately step into defensive mode.
And try to pay attention when it comes to domestics. Try, one day, just watching what she does. You may not notice that she puts your coat away after you fling it on the chair, or straightens out the shoes, or replaces the cat's water every night, or wipes down the sink after use, or notices when you're getting low on toilet paper, or whatever. There's a lot of small things she does, silently, that you are probably not attuned to. And she would probably appreciate some help on some of that invisible work. And maybe if you stop, and pay attention, you can pick up on some of those things yourself, instead of waiting for her to get frustrated about it and open up on you for it.
Anyway: hopefully this makes my thoughts a little bit more clear. Certainly if any of this doesn't make sense or seems problematic, point it out to me in comments.
